People often ask me, "How do I stop shouting at my kids?". Most of the time, as parents, we know that we shouldn't be shouting at our kids all the time. But it feels impossible. That seems to be the only way to get things done.

Just because shouting at our kids gets us results at the moment, we tend to forget that it's a temporary solution and will never work in the long run. Shouting takes you and your child into fight/flight mode while releasing cortisol, the stress hormone. Research suggests that shouting at your children often reduces the bond you develop with your children. Your children will fear you, but they may stop sharing their feelings. Your kid may obey and listen to you at that moment, and your brain is tricked into thinking, "OH! This works! This seems to be an effective strategy!". But, in the long run, you lose that connection with your children.

Not only that, but we are not teaching our children anything. They will repeat the same action. It more often than not leads parents to a guilt trip.

 

We are accustomed to repeating it each time when our children don't listen to us. We don't even have to stop to think. There are decades of mental programming ingrained into us, saying that this is effective and the way to go.

 

From the moment our children develop communication skills and start their tantrums, we become accustomed to shouting at children to get things done without actually trying to connect with them first. This pattern continues all through their teenage years and sometimes even to adulthood.

 

So, what do we do if our brains are wired in a certain way, and we can't help it?

 

It's simple but complicated too.

 

We need to change these neural pathways, which is not easy because you are undoing decades of doing! But with enough practice, you can form new neural pathways.

 

You can change the outcomes without actually having to think about it. Imagine a scenario where you have lost it at your kid, but instead of shouting, your brain tells you to be calm and connect with them first. Figure out the situation and then respond instead of reacting, and this happens subconsciously with minimal effort from your end.

 

Yes! It is very much possible. What we are doing is just reversing the situation. Earlier, we were reacting subconsciously, and now we are responding subconsciously.

 

Take it one step at a time, one day at a time. The next time you are in a similar situation, remind yourself. I am going to be calm. I will try and understand what's going on here before I respond. It is the first step. Once you have applied for this for a few days, you will see some change. Then several other tools and strategies can assist you in your journey towards changing those neural pathways.