Parents who tend to mete out corporal punishment are likely to have been victims of such punishment as children. This cycle can be broken by following a couple of well tested alternative disciplinary methods.

Hitting their child is considered a culturally acceptable practice for parents in Nepal.  They often feel the need to use physical punishments in order to discipline their child. We have heard stories from sisnu le polne, to mothers mildly spanking their child, to teachers hitting students with a stick. Often times, most parents or teachers who raise hands on their child are the ones who themselves experienced some sort of physical or corporal punishments in their childhood.

As this is a phenomenon that has been carried on from generations ago, parents and teachers justify their action by arguing how they have turned out fine despite being victims of physical punishment—and so they believe their child will turn out fine as well. However, they are unaware about the negative impacts physical punishments can have on a child. And sometimes, even when parents know that it is wrong to hit a child, they still do it because they don’t have an alternate way of disciplining. So what can parent and teachers do?

Firstly, parents need to understand why it is wrong to hit their child. Hitting is usually generated out of anger or frustration, and happens at the heat of the moment. And in the long run, such acts of violence only perpetuate more violence. For example, during my first day of teaching grade six at a local government school in Kathmandu, I decided to observe how the class was being taught before I started teaching. In the first glance, I saw students obediently listening to the teacher-- there was pin drop silence. I was relieved thinking that I got a batch of well-behaved students. But when I peered further in to observe the teacher, I noticed the teacher walking with a long stick and a frown on the face. For someone who is vehemently against corporal punishment, I got terrified by the sight of the teacher. In no time the bell rang and the teacher left. As soon as the teacher left, the classroom burst into chaos. Students were hitting each other, using foul words, teasing one another and shouting at the top of their lungs. I realized that the students were well behaved only due to the fear of getting beaten; but as soon as their fear—the teacher and the stick-- walked out of the classroom, the whole dynamics of the class changed. I was completely startled, but, moreover, in that moment I witnessed two things: the long-term ineffectiveness of disciplining students with a “stick” and the vicious cycle of violence. That day I saw a child hitting another child, but what I feared the most was tomorrow he might hit his wife, daughter, son or old parents—with more aggression and violence. It made me question; how can one expect a child to not hit someone else, when hitting has been so normalized by parents, teachers and the society?

When you refrain from hitting a child, you’re not only putting a halt to a series of potential future violence, but, you are also giving the message of not abusing power as an authoritative figure. Just because you have power, does not give you the permission to hit someone who is smaller or less powerful than you. In that context, physical punishment is unfair to the child because it deprives them from learning the effective ways of resolving a conflict. In today’s world, where people are solving problems by walking on the tight rope of diplomacy, you are obstructing your child from honing their problem solving and negotiation skills. When a child is physically punished, he/she resorts to the acts of aggression and violence to solve problems.  Furthermore, they get distracted by the feelings of fear and anger, and thus learn less about how to handle or prevent similar situations in the future. 

It is important for children to have a safe and secure environment to grow, learn and develop healthy brains and bodies. However, physical punishment instigates fear and anxiety in children. Science shows that fear and anxiety can have lifelong effects on brain architecture, particularly the developing brain involved in emotions and learning. So, most children who get beaten in their childhood, grow up to have low self-esteem, and are more prone to suffering from depression.

Again the question remains— if not for physical punishments, what alternate methods can a parent practice to discipline their child? On a positive note, half the battle is already won when parents and teachers become aware of the negative impacts that physical punishment can have on a child. Parents can then take appropriate disciplinary actions that not only avoids raising hand, but also has a long-term positive impact on the child. First and foremost, if a certain situation accrues when you feel tempted to raise your hand on your child, take a step back—physically and mentally. People make a lot of rash decisions in the heat of the moment, which they end up regretting. So, take some time off to calm yourself and rationalize your thoughts. You can take a walk, read, or even count till ten depending on the problem. In that time, you will often come up with an alternative to solve the problem. Once you feel that you have calmed down a bit, you can then approach your child by being kind yet assertive. Hear your child’s perspective first and try to understand why the child is acting out. For instance, if a child is throwing tantrums to avoid going to school, maybe the child is going through problems at school such as being bullied, feeling pressurized, or she simply might not have completed her homework. After you talk it out, explain why and what it is that they did wrong.

Use logical consequences. When you use logical consequences, you will be teaching a great deal about responsibility. For instance, if your child breaks a vase and you hit them for it, they will probably try to hide their mistakes in the future by lying, not getting caught or shifting the blame on someone else. So instead, ask them what they can do to repair the vase. The child will then understand that it is easier to break things, but it takes a lot to mend it. As an alternative, you can have your child do a make-up task for it. For example, you can ask your child to clean all the vases in your house. That way the child will understand the delicate nature of the vase, will learn to be careful in the future, and more importantly, they will learn that everybody makes mistakes and that it is part of the human life to make mistakes, but, at the same time one has to learn from them and take responsibility to amend them. So, this can be a good opportunity for you to teach your child some valuable life lessons, and make them rationalize a situation, without crushing their self esteem. 

If you have grown up in a culture where it is acceptable to hit a child for disciplinary purpose, it may be difficult to change your own behavior overnight. But please understand why and how it is unacceptable—there is a reason why physical punishment is prohibited in most countries. Sometimes you may feel that mildly spanking your child is necessary and acceptable, but you are still perpetuating violence and giving your children the permission to raise their hands on others. Even though you are able to draw the line between what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in physical punishment, your child may not. So, instead of beating your child, use alternate and rational ways such as logical consequences and make-up actions, which will foster your child towards a healthy and a positive development.

Hitting is usually generated out of anger or frustration, and happens at the heat of the moment. And in the long run, such acts of violence only perpetuate more violence.