Can Parents be Friends with Their Children?

In this new era of modern parenting, parents and children can be friends but on the other hand we need to be a parent by bringing structure and discipline in the children lives. The real challenge is trying to bring the balance between being a parent and

It is often believed in Nepal and other parts of the world that when a son outgrows his father’s shoulders, the son becomes the father’s friend. Similarly, a daughter after a certain age becomes a friend to her mother. So, when we ask the general public, ‘Can parents be friends with their children?’ the answer is most likely to be an empathetic yes. But the truth of the matter is that a parent-child relationship is, like any other relationship, fraught with many nuances, and unless you tread carefully you can also damage that relationship. And much of our response to the above question depends upon our understanding of the word “friend.” As we see below, the relationship can be that of friend in the sense of sharing affection, and support, but cannot and should not be in the sense of a “let’s-go-to-the-bar-and-get-a-glass-of-beer” friend.

This phenomenon of “parents being friends with their children” is relatively recent. According to family historian Stephanie Coontz, the idea that parents and kids would even want to be friends is a relatively new idea, one that emerged along with “more democratic child-rearing practices” in the mid-20th century. I have met older folks who recall being afraid of even talking with their fathers. Back then the fathers – instead of talking directly with their children – would ask their wives how their children are doing in school. And now fast forward to the present. I sometimes see mothers and grown daughters walking together on Durbarmarg with similar sassy makeup, carrying bags full of recently purchased branded goods. Their acquaintances who bump onto them are bound to say, “Oh, both of you look so much alike. I cannot even differentiate who is mother and who is daughter.” This is an example of mothers and daughters who have become friends through similar tastes in physical appearance. These days you also see parents and their young and old children riding bicycles together in a group, who display their friendship through shared pastime. Perhaps an extreme example of informal relationship is the case of one family that I know of in the U.S. where the adult daughter addresses her father by his first name. Imagine that in Nepal, “Ram, how are you?”

There is another social change that is taking place in Nepal that is affecting this relationship: the family dynamics in Nepal is increasingly changing from that of a joint family to a nuclear family. In a joint family, there are other members of the family besides the parents with whom children in the family can establish friendship and share their problems, or talk about things they can not share with their parents. But now that many families are nuclear families, parents are becoming the sole source of psychological support and friendship for their children, especially during the adolescence when children’s peers themselves are going their issues, or are unavailable.

Rubin Ken, a professor of human development at the University of Maryland states, “If the children have a patient, caring, supportive parent, and things happen with their best friend, the children can always turn back to their parent for support.” In such a scenario when child says, “My mom and dad are my best friends,” that would be wholly correct.

We often hear parents say, ‘I want to be best friends with my kid,’ but what they actually mean is ‘I want my children to like me,’ according to Phil Cowan, a psychologist at the University of California. It is often seen that when parents are nurturing, responsive to their children’s emotional needs, listen, and respect their children’s space and privacy and at the same time provide structure and consistency in their lives, the children will ultimately be comfortable being friends with their parents at the same time be more respectful towards them as parents.

I personally feel that our job as a parent is more complicated. I wish just being our children’s friend were enough to raise them successfully. But children need structure, and boundaries. As parents it is our duty to make sure our children stay safe and out of trouble, and if the only way we can make them happen is by saying or doing things that may not be acceptable to the children (which their peer friends would never do), so be it. Parenthood is not a competition on likability; it is about doing the right thing. You can only try and hope that they like you in the process.

It may seem like a lot of work for parents to be able to bring that fine balance between being friend and being a parent. Love, hugs, laughter and discipline are key ingredients in developing and maintaining a healthy relationship with your child. Here are easy but helpful suggestions to bring that balance.

 

Eat together

Meal times with the family can be a time for reconnection, especially for busy teenagers. Keep conversations light and generally try to avoid conversations that could stir arguments. Contentious issue should be discussed in private. Listen to the children when they talk and ask related questions. This will show to them that you are interested in their lives.

 

Treat teenagers as adults

It is important to give freedom to teenage children, but it is equally necessary to explain them their responsibilities that come along with the freedom. They need someone who will listen, help, and guide them in setting their goals. While younger children may need greater structure and boundaries, teenagers in general may need more of empathy and friendship from their parents than structure and boundaries.

 

Spend more time together

There are many activities that can help you bond with your children, such as: going shopping at a nearby mall or going for movies for a fun time; going to a music store to let them show you what kinds of music they like; working on their special homework projects; going to their favorite sporting events or concerts; and taking long drives with your children for an uninterrupted together time.

 

Parenthood is not a competition on likability; it is about doing the right thing. You can only try and hope that they like you in the process.

 

I believe that if we treat our young and teenage children with lots of love, compassion and respect, and if we are a little more appreciative of their abilities, and a little bit more tolerant of their temporary “inabilities” due to their size and age, we would surely be on the road to a lifelong friendship with our children.

You can certainly be friends with your children, as long as you ensure that they respect you, and you are still able to say things (such as, “Do not smoke”), and do things for them (such as, take away their PS Vita game station until they finish their homework), whether they like them or not, that only parents can do. Just do not go to the bar for a glass of bar with them just yet.