The right recipe for raising siblings.

Prepping your child for the upcoming arrival of her sibling actually begins as soon as you find out about your second pregnancy. It is important to mentally prepare your elder child, and lay all the groundwork for her to be ready to accept the new addition to the family. Refer to the new baby as ‘our baby’ or ‘your sister/brother.’ This will encourage her to form a connection with the baby. Take her on your next visit to the gynecologist, and involve her in decisions such as picking names, and buying clothes and toys for the new baby.

But one thing you’ll notice soon enough is that you can’t help but make comparisons - from who started to kick early, to who spoke the first word at what age. These comparisons later move on to other bigger aspects. Having siblings gives your children an opportunity to develop important socio-emotional skills such as cooperation, conflict management, and empathy.  However, the processes that lead up to these benefits can often be frustrating and stressful for parents.  All we really want is for them to grow up together, share mutual trust, and always support each other in times of need.  But when misdirected, rivalry, jealousy, unhealthy competition, and fighting will creep into their relationship as they try to establish their own identity and place in the family.  Comparing would do nothing more than add fuel to the fire.

Children need to feel that they are treated with love and respect for who they are. Hence, it is very important for parents to refrain from comparing them. Let each child be who she is, and appreciate her individual talents and success. This allows for a healthy environment where children feel that the treatment meted out by their parents is fair. In the long run, when children feel that the love and attention they get from their parents are not in any way influenced by the actions of their siblings, they develop an attitude of cooperation rather than competition.

When we see our children argue and fight, as parents we instinctively feel the urge to step in. But it's best not get involved unless there is a danger of physical harm.  Let the children learn from these quarrels and arguments conflict management skills, and let them develop their relationship with their siblings without undue external interference.  Getting involved in minor fracas would only limit them from practicing these skills, and make them dependent on you to rescue them each time they are in similar situation, and discourages them from solving their own problems.  Any parental intervention could raise the risk of creating other problems, such as parents appearing to be biased toward one child, which in turn result in more resentment and unwanted behavior.

Remember, never yell, take sides, or favor one over another. Teach them to channelize their anger and frustration objectively instead of blaming and pointing fingers at each other. Teach them to take responsibility for their actions and reactions regardless of who is to be blamed. And always encourage a win-win negotiation where each child will gain something.