Should You Send Your Child to a Hostel?

For a long time parents of school age children have struggled with the question on whether or not they should send their children to a hostel. The answers have varied from generation to generation, and from culture to culture.

Some time back an article appeared in the Guardian where it was argued that children who go to a hostel at a young age often turn out as ‘bullies or bumblers.’ The then British prime minister David Cameroon was cited as an example of a boarding school survivor. Is it that really bad? Should you send your child to a hostel? Many parents – in light of the current dismal state of education in Nepal -- are struggling to find an answer to that question.

This tradition of sending young children to a supervised residential school, known in common parlance as sending a child to a ‘hostel’ or a ‘boarding school,’ is not only limited to the British. The historical and cultural stories in our part of the world are filled with such practices. In the Mahabratha and the Ramayana, we read that the five Pandava brothers and Ram, along with his three brothers, all went to Gurukuls, which were the current equivalent of a hostel. The mothers would often be depicted as crying and begging their sons to stay back, but they would eventually get sent, simply for the reason that they would come back strong, disciplined, and well-versed in whatever skills and knowledge that were important during those times. These rationales haven’t changed even now.

Up until a couple of decades ago, sending children to a hostel was not a choice, but a compulsion for many, at least amongst those who could afford them. There were simply not many quality schools in Nepal. Some perhaps mistakenly considered sending children to a hostel as a sign of elitism, or putting children in the pathway to the corridors of power (think again of David Cameroon, and many of our former kings who at some point in their lives went to hostels, either in Nepal or India). But can there be other more pragmatic reasons for the ever increasing popularity of hostels even in this day and age?

The answer to the above question in some ways informs us whether or not we should send our children to a hostel. While we now have more local day-schools, the fact remains that it is increasingly difficult to get admission into a few good ones. And given that there are many well-reputed hostels in India, it is but natural that parents admit their children in hostels there. In addition, the country’s current state of affairs – frequent Nepal bandhs, shortage of fuel, and traffic congestion – that results in frequent closures of schools also plays a large role in this decision. And at some emotional level, we can sometime see parents who themselves went to hostels trying to pass on their positive experiences to their children by sending them to hostels.

Benefits and disadvantages

There are other benefits of sending children to a hostel. At a personal level, as someone who spent much of her life in hostels in India, I can attest to the fact that hostel life can be fun. Yes there are rules and regulations that need to be followed, but there is still a great deal of freedom within them. Because the hostel children live in a structured environment, they tend to be more disciplined. This structure often gives them more time to grow academically, and excel in extra- curricular activities. They form a network of good friends who will support them well into the future, long after their hostel lives.

There are of course a certain number of disadvantages in sending a child to a hostel. First, parents who have a child in a hostel invariably carry with them the nagging fear of the possibility of not being able to help the child in case of a severe crisis, such as physical abuse, bullying, and sickness. Second, the parents also carry the fear not even knowing the occurrence of such incidences because of the distance. Third, the absence of the child in social events at home is sorely felt by all family members. Fourth, in certain cases the child could become distant from their family members. Fifth, the hostel child could lose his/her cultural and social connections back home.

The decision on whether parents should or should not send their child to a hostel is always difficult. However, this decision should be reached only after factoring in several additional considerations. First, the quality of the hostel you are considering is of paramount importance. The quality can be gauged by talking to parents whose children are already studying in that hostel. Similarly, the reputation and its history are equally important. In many cases you should also be able to find the rankings of the hostels in reputed magazines. As per the saying “the taste of pudding is in eating,” you can know a lot about a hostel by the general quality of its current students and recent alumni. The family situation – the level of engagement of parents with their children, and the relationship between parents -- at home should also be considered. For some parents, especially in view of how the urban spaces in Nepal are getting increasingly dense, the availability or lack thereof of physical space at home or local schools for sports activities may be an important consideration. Perhaps a greater factor is the interest and personality disposition of the child. If the child is already a loner at home, it may be difficult for him/her to flourish in the hostel environment.

As a parent who has a son in hostel in India, and two daughters in a local private school, I can see both sides of the argument. What should be remembered is that circumstances vary from family to family; what is good for one family may not be good for another. But parents who are thinking of sending their child to a hostel should think about the above considerations holistically before making the decision.

What we need to remember is that even if we send our children to a hostel, we still have a great role – perhaps even greater role than the hostel – in their upbringing. We can, through our example, teach them to be kind and compassionate. As long as that is done, to get back to the Cameroon example, I would guess that many parents would not mind if their children ended up becoming prime ministers by virtue of the fact that they once went to a hostel.

Parents who are thinking of sending their child to a hostel should think about the above considerations holistically before making the decision.

 

I miss my structured Life

Bijeta Pradhan, a resident of Kathmandu, studied at St. Helen’s Convent, a prestigious residential school in Kurseong, India. Here she recounts her experience of her hostel life in an informal conversation with the author:

I studied there for 11 years from 2004 till 2014, and gave my board examination in 2015. My school is a strict all-girls school. We had nuns in charge of us. We had to stick to a strict routine. Being late for meals meant no meals. There were times when we weren’t provided breakfast because we were late. We got to watch television only once a week, and were basically isolated from the outside world. Hostel life made me realize that life is not easy. I would say that the best recollections that I have of my hostel life are the times I spent with my friends. My life in hostel was fun. It made me realize the importance of socializing, and making friends. In a hostel, you have to make friends. During times of emotional need, my friends gave me happiness, solace and love.

Although hostel life may sound harsh, there are only a few disadvantages of a hostel life. One disadvantage was that we spent almost three quarters of the year away from our parents. But this absence is not necessarily as bad as it sounds because when we did meet them, all the lost love would be showered upon us by our parents and to our parents by us. The two to three months that we would get to spend with our parents were anxiously anticipated.

I would definitely recommend hostel life to other people. Hostel life enhances friendship in the best way. Friends are the people who will support us in the future when there is nobody else for us. Our happy moments, our sad moments, our fights and our ignoring each other for months only strengthened our bonds. In addition, hostel life gave us an opportunity to learn to live a life away from our parents. It disciplined our minds and our hearts.

Now that I am a day-scholar, with my new friends who were day-scholars all their lives, I can see how my relationship with my parents is different from theirs. It is now a little bit harder to study at home as I have studied in my own way for eleven years. My parents, of course with good intentions, now tell me -- whether I like or not -- how to study. In hostel, we didn’t have to do dishes or wash clothes; everything was done for us. All we had to do was focus on our academics and learn different kinds of sports. I now have to assist in the household chores, which was certainly hard for me in the beginning. After eleven years of doing everything in perfect order, doing the same things with the same people, the transition to an unstructured life was hard.

State of mind while dealing with hostel dilemma

Children leave my family cocoon for further studies, career,marriage .Why then would I be willing to cut this short time even shorter?

Generation gap itself create enough distance between us should I add physical distance to that?

Difficult to handle kids?

He/She will be emotionally dettached fractor me? Or they will value me more?

Hostel makes them more displine?

My kid will surely stop using technology?

They won’t be independent if they are with me all the time?

Everyone is equal in a hostel so hostel will make their life simple and disciplined living?

To survive in hostels they needs to interact ,collaborate and be friend with diverse group Hence,it helps to be better
social being?

Hostel help children to focus more an intrinsic factors rather than extrinsic factors that make him/her special?

Advice from a parent whose child is in a well-reputed hostel in India

Inform and mentally prepare the child for hostel life at least a year or two ahead of the proposed admission date

Visit the hostel with the family

Communicate with the child about the advantages and disadvantages of a hostel life

Slowly introduce a structured environment at home to prepare the child for his/her hostel life