Stop the yelling. Start listening.
It is not uncommon to yell at your children. With creeping frustration and accumulating temper, raising voice at children is done by all parents. But how rational and healthy is it in disciplining your child? Do you know when it is time stop yelling at th
Children are sensitive being. Even little things you say or do can have long term effect on their personality and their way of thinking. They are very observant and absorbent at the same time. While we may not be aware, sometimes even short instantaneous moments and experiences are carried by them until much later in life. They are quick to learn and easily embody the energies around them.
While our society and media likes portraying children as soft, cuddly, sensitive, little beings (which they are of course), they leave out the not-so-glorious part of parenthood. We mean all the dirty diapers to their loud tantrums in public, any parent will tell you that it is no easy job. In the midst of all these, children, when they start misbehaving, start being stubborn, or when you feel they do not comply, whether be it displaced anger or your generic frustration against them at the moment, we tend to yell at them and scold them. Such moments are actually quite normal in parenting and family. But if you notice that you are required to raise your voice frequently to them, especially when it's for the same reasons time and again, then it’s time you stop the yelling.
Behaviour in anyone is modulated by positive and negative reinforcements. In more general terms, rewards and punishments, and this applies greatly to children and their behavior. Positive reinforcements are used when you want to promote a certain behavior or habit among your children. When your child does really good in school, you take them out at their favorite food joint, or an outing they’ve been meaning to go for a while, to acknowledge their efforts and achievement, so that the behavior is strengthened. Negative reinforcement occurs when you wish to discontinue a certain behaviour that your child displays. When they fight with other kids at school or with their siblings at home, or when they make a huge mess at home, you, for example cut out their television hours, or ground them so that they think twice before repeating the behavior. Positive reinforcements usually strengthens a certain behavior, while negative reinforcements discourages them. A balanced dynamics between both these reinforcements are required continually to shape a child’s overall behavior.
Our changing lifestyles today have made us so busy, we sometimes cannot give adequate time to our children. Some couples, who once were so engrossed in their professional careers, driven by their work aspirations and goals, that once they bear a child, their entire structure of life is disrupted. Everything tumbles down, because they are so overwhelmed by the entire restructuring of their lifestyle brought in by the new member, they get frustrated and tired. Plus the children never make things easy for them, do they? While they balance chores, career, social life, their children’s constant misbehavior makes it easy for them to decide to start yelling at them.
Yelling and scolding is an act of negative reinforcement. You are trying to discourage a certain behavior. But it is not adequate or whole in itself only. Always back your yelling or scolding with further explanations later on. Otherwise, when you fail to explain, chances are, that your child will display the behavior again. Sometimes we ground them or make restrictions against them as an act of punishment. But when you fail to communicate your message across to them properly, they still feel left out in the dark, and the results are that their misbehaviors are much stronger, or even take them out on other things.
... feel they cannot trust you and that you do not have their backs. They cannot understand the reasons behind your yelling and punishments. If you ever find yourself at this state, know that you now have much more ground to cover than before.
But, one thing we must never do, is ignore these problems. When we avoid explaining to them, thinking they are not mature enough, or are incapable of understanding, then your child will never develop and grow. The way we present the ideas to them will definitely need adjustments, but children are capable of understanding really well, and we must never disregard them. Scolding them and detaining them does not do the full trick. You need to tell them why it is wrong, or right. Children also learn better with examples. Demonstrations and examples are always better, as it helps them to learn quickly and easily. But leaving them clueless will never bring good results.
If you begin to notice that they are repeating similar behavior, even after your scolding, you know that you have failed in communicating or furthermore, you have failed to understand ‘them’ for a change. When this happens, children begin to lie, do things around your back, and hide a lot of things from you. Why? Because they now feel they cannot trust you and that you do not have their backs. They cannot understand the reasons behind your yelling and punishments. If you ever find yourself at this state, know that you now have much more ground to cover than before.
Start Listening:
The one and only solution to this situation, is to listen to your child. For example when your children brings home a series of failing report cards, or gets phone calls from their school reporting on their misconduct, or when they constantly misbehave, understand that your child is troubled somehow. Any form of yelling or negative reinforcement shall only push your children further apart. Rather talk to them. Try to understand how they think, what they think, and the reason behind their behavior.
Strengths and weakness:
Every children have certain strong aspects and certain weaknesses. Each may have their own share of certain physical or mental limitations. As parents, it is your duty to identify them and help them work on overcoming the weaknesses and to build up the strengths. While some children seem gifted, or do great early. One thing as a parent you should never do is make comparisons. Every child is different and unique. You need to identify whether your children is genuinely trying to get better grades, but is still failing or there is something else is bothering them. Every children have potential in them, they just need someone to help them find it. Children have massive amounts of energy, and you need to provide them a proper channels for them to release these energies. For children who are high level of energy, sports is a really good mode of channelising their energy. While for children who are calmer, reading, arts and crafts may be better. Understand and address their subconscious states of desires and help them grow along with them.
Build a relationship on mutual trust. Make them feel that they are very important to you. When they understand that you are there to listen to them, then they begin to speak. After getting a hold of their overall behavior and the motivations behind them, build a method around the reinforcements, positive and negative, to modulate and direct their behavior, such that you groom them to become a wonderful human being, well accepted in the society, and with the ability to prosper and thrive on their own.