Being a single parent – whether because of death of spouse, divorce, or choice – is difficult. But the real strength to survive as a single parent comes from your children.

Parenting is one of the toughest jobs even when two adults -- or, a whole village, as an African saying goes -- are involved.  I am a mother of three children.  I have full support from my husband, mother-in-law, and my parents.  Yet, the challenges that I face everyday while taking care of the children are overwhelming.   Needlessly to say, I can imagine that having to bring up children on your own as a single parent – whether by choice or necessity – can be tremendously difficult. 

People become single parents due to various reasons. 

Death of a spouse:  In this scenario, if the death has come after a long treatment, the surviving spouse has to deal with how she is going to pay off the medical costs, deal with the loss of the spouse, and deal with the anxiety of how she would take care of the children.  And the children, in turn, will need to deal with and accept the death of a parent, before they are able to function again at the normal level.  We will be talking more on this below.

Divorce:  In this case, you would be dealing more with legal, and financial (in general, a sudden drop in income) problems, in addition to the task of raising children.  Here we can see the acrimonious separation of Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie from her husband actor Brad Pitt, who have six children between them, or the separation of Prince Charles and late Princess Diana, and the consequence of that for their children Prince William and Prince Harry. Because parents tend to have a joint custody of the children, the children of divorced parents in some ways will still have “two parents,” and as such we will not discuss this situation here.

Choice:  Many single people these days have opted to adopt children. This option is very new in Nepal, though the trend of becoming a single parent is really catching up in India, especially among Bollywood celebrities. For example Sushmita Sen and recently actor Tushar Kapoor have become single parents through surrogacy.  Because they went into this situation fully aware of the implications and the work that would go into it, they are in a better position to function as single parents. 

A phenomenon that has greatly accelerated in recent years in Nepal, and that falls under becoming a single parent by choice is the migration of one of the parents for economic reasons.  Migration for economic reasons is in fact not a new concept in Nepal.  For many years many men in Nepal have been going to India for work, and India and the U.K. to join their armies as Gorkhas, leaving their wives back to take care of the children and other family members.  The only difference is that they now go to places as geographically disparate as Korea, Malaysia, Qatar, and Saudi Arabia.

In this situation, the remaining spouse virtually ends up as a single parent, until the other spouse returns.  Here also the remaining in-country parent has an option of calling back her spouse, if she were to find it difficult to raise their children, and thus revert back to the old “two-parent” household.  As such we will not discuss this situation as well in great detail.

Here, we will primarily focus on the case of surviving as a single parent, after the death of the spouse. 

Over the last two years, as the result of the earthquakes in 2015 in Nepal, many of us in the earthquake affected areas have likely witnessed death, and the leaving behind of children due to the death of one or both parents.  Bhavani, whom I knew very closely, died in Dhading in the first earthquake on April 25, 2015.  When her husband, who had recently returned from Qatar, dug her out from the debris, her dead body was found covering her less than one year old son, who miraculously survived.  She had apparently used her body to shield her son from a wooden beam that had fallen on her; she had in fact given up her life to save her son.  Bhavani’s mother-in-law also died on that day due to the earthquake.  After Bhavani’s death, her husband found himself unable to take care of the infant son by himself, and asked his sister – who herself had several children – to look after the child until he reached the position when he would be able to undertake that task himself.  Bhavani’s husband was lucky in that he has a sister he could count on during such difficult time.

In the Mahabharata, Kunti, the mother of Pandavas, became a single mother after the demise of her husband King Pandu.  Despite the treachery she suffered in the hands of her brother-in-law’s family, she managed to raise illustrious princes such as Yudhisthir, Bhima, Arjuna, Nakkula, Sahadev.     

But the fact remains that whether they became single parents due to death, divorce, or choice they face many challenges, some of which are listed here:

Challenges of being a single parent:

Stress and anxiety about money: This is likely to be the biggest challenge, when you have to make do with half the income (assuming both parents worked before you became a single parent).  With rising inflation, and increasing extravagant social obligations, it has greater impact on single parents who were housewives or househusbands.

Self-doubt: It’s hard to know if you are doing a good job as a single parent.  When there are both parents, there is someone who agrees or disagrees with your method of parenting and can help you see the merits of positive parenting moments and help you improve when you fall short.  But as a single parent you may be consumed with self doubt.

Losing a sense of self: It is tough job for one person to be a full-time mother, father, nurse, chauffer, personal chef, piggy bank, teacher, and monster slayer etc.  In the process of trying to do everything and become everyone, you often lose your sense of self, and forget to take care of yourself.

Here are some guidelines for single parents to make the most of their family life and situation.

  • Value being a single parent.  Your children look up to you, and, as a remaining parent, you are the world to them.
  • Rediscover and redefine your family life, roles and responsibilities.  Things are no longer going to be like in the old days.
  • Do not be loner, or isolate yourself from social circles. Connect with other peers and adults, family and friends.
  • Understand that single parenting is a skill-set that develops and refines over time.
  • Make it a priority to be the caretaker of all areas and aspects of family life, including feelings and emotions – they are real and should not be denied.
  • Spend time with your kids as often as you can and make every moment count.
  • Remember the old times, without dwelling on it too much; but also embrace the new reality.
  • Be the helping hand when your kids need it (even when they/you think they do not).
  • Encourage confidence, have some fun, rebuild and strengthen one-step at a time, laugh together, empower and engage your family.
  • Sometimes follow your kids’ lead; let them take on roles, responsibilities, and share the load.
  • Take charge when necessary and discipline accordingly, consistently and fairly.
  • From time to time rethink and revisit what you are doing as a single parent, and see where you can improve.
  • Always tell the truth, be honest, and respect others, especially your children.
  • Recharge your own energy and load your emotional battery by taking time off to help yourself and others.
  • Seek help, if things go out of hand, and do not do anything drastic to harm yourself.  There are many good people out there who want to help you.

If you have undertaken everything mentioned here, nothing more is required.  Just look into the eyes of your children, and you will see that even though they do not articulate it verbally, they are saying that they too know you are trying your best as a single parent, and love you no matter what.