If you yell at your children, they might listen to you because they are scared. But, in the long run, it will again backfire on you. So, how do you make children listen to you without yelling at them?

Parent-child relationship comes in a wave. There are times when parents get into a dilemma about getting their children on track. For that, they choose to yell and shout at them. However, in conversation with Mridula Saria, we talk about how yelling at children will not be fruitful in the long run. So, let’s see what happens when we shout at our children and how can we cope with it.

The frontal lobe in our brain helps us motivate and organize. The mid-part of the brain leads one to react instead of responding. So, whenever you are upset, angry, and stressed. Now, human beings have only two emotions, love and fear. The things like anger, agitation, and frustration, this is all fear. When you yell at your child, you are acting from a place of fear instead of love. That will never work in the long run. But, when your response comes from a place of love, it will be way more powerful and effective. 

  • What happens to a child’s brain when you are shouting at them?

Before you start shouting, your child’s brain is getting a blast of adrenaline. Adrenaline is a stimulant, a drug. So, every time you yell, you give an adrenaline blast to your children. So, we are drugging our children with our anger. As we continue to scream at them, over some time, what happens is that we start relying on this yelling. They will become addicted to adrenaline and then try to get the adrenaline blast from us, consciously or subconsciously, start acting in ways to yell at them. Their system knows that if they do the opposite of what their parents say, they will get yelled for the Adrenaline blast. Their body will ask them to defy their parents. This Adrenaline blast stimulates the under-developed frontal lobe. So, it brings their brain into balance. Now, what happens? The child might be crying on the outside, but the body from within (brain) feels better. 

How to keep your child from getting an adrenaline blast negatively?

  • The first thing would be to stop screaming and shouting all the time. You can positively play with adrenaline. Have time during the day and play with your kids. You can give them 15-20 minutes, where you are chasing them, tickling them, or playing hide and seek or any game. Not only letting them go outdoor and play, but you have to help them experience that feeling. You need to have 15-20 minutes every 4-5 hours where you give them adrenaline play throughout the day. It is easy to do with younger kids. When they get this kind of Adrenaline play, they are more likely to settle down and be fine for the next 3 to 4 hours. You build this every 4-5 hours, two or three times a day. What will happen is that they are less likely to take whatever you say negatively.  
  • The second is the calm technique which is a helpful technique. Calm is a form of mirroring. The good news is that most of us know how to do it. For example, nobody will pick up a crying baby and say, “you are fine”, “It’s okay”. When the baby sees the projection of what they are feeling inside, it releases chemicals like endorphins and oxytocin. Oxytocin releases nitric oxide, which then releases cardiovascular Mecum, which increases blood flow to the heart. And it brings in the whole heart-brain coherence. If you yell from time to time, do not panic. It is normal, and you are not ruining their self-esteem. If you use the calm technique, build the connection and compassion. The ironic thing is that the more you use methods, the more your child develops emotional shock observance. So, it is okay to shout at them once in a while. 

Whenever you are angry at your child, try to remember when they were that cute baby. And you will see that suddenly, you can get less stressed and angry. Slowly, you will be chemically deescalating. With the older children, you can write cute notes and remember little things when they were little. Sometimes, we get so angry that we lose our connection. It is the real trouble with kids. Babies mirror your emotion. So, when you are calm, they will automatically calm down. If you go into fight or flight mode, your child also goes in fight or flight mode. But, the children have underdeveloped frontal lobes. So, it is difficult for them. They cannot regulate their behaviors. So, we are to use the techniques.