There is a high chance that a parental conflict can make a child’s life traumatic. In conversation with Ms Ujina Dangol, the counsellor in Swostishree Gurukul, we get into the depth of how parents’ fights impact their children.

  • How does a fight between the parents affect children?

It is always stressful for anyone to witness two people yelling at each other. But it’s even more distraught for little kids. Angry parents fighting regularly can lead to greater distress in small children.  

When a child is in distress, the level of stress also increases. If the arguments only occur occasionally, the child’s hormonal level returns to normal soon after the episode. However, constant conflicts create sleep disturbance and a weakened immune system.

Frequent conflicts are also associated with increased behavioural problems such as aggression and defiance. Children’s relationships with parents will also deteriorate as a result of their fight. ​

When parents fight intensely in front of their kids, the child picks up on the tension, negative emotions, and perceived threat.

When a child is exposed to destructive tactics such as verbal aggression, physical violence, or outlandish threats, their aggressive behaviour also tends to increase.

Poorly resolved family conflicts can hurt marital relationships, parent-child relationships, and family functioning.

When an argument lacks a good explanation or contains parent-blaming or child-blaming, the emotional damage to kids can be great.


 

  • Most children intervene in their parent’s fights. Do you think it helps to calm the situation?

While in most situations children’s intervention isn’t appropriate, some extreme circumstances may warrant it. It’s very rare, but if an argument is turning into a situation of abuse, it’s important to intervene. Abuse can be verbal like name-calling. It can be emotional like withdrawing affection or ignoring somebody for months on end. It can be physical - somebody being hit or kicked. And of course, there’s sexual abuse. 

It depends upon the situation and the people whether the child intervenes to make the situation calm or more intense. At times involving children makes the situation worse and it may also impact the children for a long time. 

But at times it also may make the situation calmer when parents might think it might harm and hurt the child too.

 

  • How can a child deal with the parents’ fight constantly?

Remember that the child is not responsible for the parents’ conflict and it’s not their job to ‘fix’ it for them. It’s not their fault that this is happening and they don’t have to take sides.

When the parents are fighting, this can make the child feel upset, angry, anxious, down, irritable, or stressed. If the child can, go to another room or somewhere they feel safe and secure. They could listen to music, or play a game with earphones in, so they can’t hear the fighting.

When the child is going through something like parents fighting all the time, looking after themself is extra important. Have a plan to do things they enjoy every day. Think about which ones they can do easily to distract themselves when the parents are fighting. For example, listen to music or play a game, read a book, message a friend or do some drawing. These activities are discreet and won’t attract any extra attention.

The child can talk about the situation that he or she feels comfortable with like the teacher, counsellor, or any family members. This would also help the child to deal with the situation better.

 

  • How can parents avoid fighting in front of their children?

The parents can walk away from the situation or one of the parents can remain quiet and can be mindful.

If the parents are going to have a discussion, take it somewhere private and deal with the partner closely and personally. It makes it easier to communicate, and much harder to argue.

Express the needs to the other partner plainly and specifically. He/She may not already know what those needs are. Remain calm as the one partner express them, even if the other partner thinks he/she should already know and meet them.

Work out the problem. Cooperation, not competition, is the idea, so take some time to calm down before finding a solution to the issue.

Once a resolution or a decision has been reached, share a moment of peace to reaffirm your bond. This might be, for example, a silent 60-second hug, or looking into one another's eyes for a minute.

If the couple does still fight in front of their kids, tell them: “Mom and Dad were upset with each other. Sometimes, people disagree. But we still love you and we still love each other.” Tell each of the kids three reasons that you love them and think they're special.

 

  • It is said that child can get PTSD from parents fighting. How true is that?

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better. If the symptoms get worse, last for months or even years, and interfere with your day-to-day functioning, you may have PTSD.

Many children who reside in a home where parents are getting a divorce or have fight daily might experience one or more of the following symptoms that could create PTSD:

  • Recurrent and persistent memories of their parents leaving, one or both parents crying, the fear of loss of money, verbal and physical fighting, and the criticizing and humiliation of the other parent.
  • Recurrent dreams of fighting in the home, fear of loss of one or both parents, and the thought that if one parent does not want the other then perhaps that parent would not want them either.
  • Acting or feeling as if the fighting, yelling, crying, and even worse the non-communication, is happening over and over again.
  • Intense distress related to the distress- this distress could be seen in physical symptoms, for example, stomachaches, headaches, and possibly the reduction in their immune system and chronic sickness.
  • A decrease in interest or activities once enjoyed. A feeling of sadness so pervasive that there is nothing that brings a feeling of joy.

 A child who worries about their safety, home, future, and the future of their family might have difficulty expressing those feelings. This could be evident in the child’s sleep patterns; tossing and turning, not being able to get to sleep or stay asleep.  A child’s inability to sleep could bring a whole new set of problems such as concentration in school, staying focused long enough to learn a new concept, falling or failing grades, and/or a possible personality change. Children who are rarely angry seem to be angry either more often or anger more quickly and could exhibit their anger and sadness in physical ways such as fighting.

A child might have recurrent nightmares of parents fighting, threatening each other, and the continual tone of high tension in the home. As parents are mending themselves or their relationship, often supervision for the children is unavailable. The parent might not be monitoring games played or peers the child associates with, and the most available babysitter is the television. More and more television shows depict sex, infidelity, divorce, violence, drugs, and coarse language.

PTSD develops when parents are constantly fighting with one another, day in and day out.

PTSD develops as parents become dysfunctional. 

  • Could you please give some suggestions to parents who are reading the article regarding the very topic?
  • Remind children that they are not the cause of the argument. Young children may assume that something they have done has caused the argument or that they are the reason adults are mad at each other. Try saying something like “Mommy and I are trying to figure out how to put this desk together. I know we sound angry. We are talking about our feelings so we can work this out. We aren’t mad at you! We both love you and don’t want to scare you. You will always be safe when you’re with us.”
  • Keep your cool. If either parent becomes angry or the argument escalates, agree to stop and continue the discussion when your child is not present.
  • Focus on a solution. You’re less likely to lose your temper and more likely to demonstrate healthy conflict resolution for your child. Start with a shared goal (“We both want him to learn to sit at the table during meals”) and then suggest a practice you can both agree on (“Can we agree that he sits for 10 minutes, after which we let him down and he can play in the kitchen while we finish eating?”).
  • Be respectful. Be respectful of the other parent and their point of view. Try to keep an open mind and understand how they see the situation.
  • Notice your child. Pay attention to how your child reacts to the argument. Do they seem tense or afraid? If so, stop the conversation and suggest to your co-parent that the two of you continue it later. Every child is different, and some may not be able to manage the stress of witnessing even a minor disagreement.