As parents, we want to keep changing our children's behaviour. We feel that the moment our child turns 3 and is over that whole terrible 2's phase, he or she is suddenly going to become a good kid.

The truth is that every year our children will adopt new behaviours that you may not like. First, it'll be the babyhood period when they need us every moment, the terrible 2's, then they'll have the growth phase, then the preteens and the teenage phase and it'll go on and on, (until their frontal lobes are completely developed). We are focusing on the wrong thing. We should be focusing instead on how to manage their behaviour when they do behave in a certain way, and that is what will make all the difference in your child's lives and personalities. 

 

 

It is not about whether your 4-year-old says thank you and sorry enough times, to enough people 

It is about whether this 4-year-old kid grows up to be an adult who feels grateful, and is empathetic towards people. It is not about whether your 2-year-old can regulate himself from wanting things inside a supermarket. It is about whether this 2-year-old can eventually learn to be an emotionally resilient adult. We expect too much of kids when they are way too young. These mini versions of us are walking around with an underdeveloped frontal lobe and are not equipped enough to control themselves from wanting everything in a supermarket, or knowing that they need to be grateful or apologetic in a situation. It doesn't matter if they are throwing tantrums about things. 

 

So what matters is how are you reacting or responding to that tantrum. You are a living, talking, walking e.g for them, from whom they will learn everything. If you can be empathetic with them through that tantrum, and emotionally regulate yourself first. They will learn to do the same eventually. for themselves and others. If you can set firm and loving limits for them when they are not capable enough to set those limits by themselves. They will learn about boundaries and freedom. So, teaching kids how to behave is not about telling them how to behave. It's a lot about how you behave towards them and others in front of them.