UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS BRAIN- Understanding Children, Emotions and Related Behavior

In a world full of emotional challenges, understanding children’s behavior is crucial. Ganga Gurung explores self-regulation, explaining how kids respond to stress and big emotions. This article offers practical strategies for parents to support them duri

While it is tempting to label a fussy child as oppositional, manipulative, and attention seeking, more often than not, it is not in the child’s control. It is more accurate and helpful to understand challenging behaviour as a sign that children cannot handle their big emotions. When they feel overwhelmed, their emotions are getting the best of them. That is, they cannot self-regulate.

As discussed in our previous article, self-regulation is the ability to remain calm, cope with big emotions, adapt, and respond appropriately to our environment. Self-regulation is important because it allows children to participate better in school, with friends, and at home. It helps children develop self-esteem and confidence.

In their book, The Whole Brain Child, Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson conceptualize the idea of upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain(brainstem and limbic system) controls our basic functions (e.g., heart rate and breathing) and stress response (e.g., fight, flight, freeze). Imagine yourselves in a room where you suddenly see a snake. The survival instinct will kick in and you will run for your life. That’s the work of our downstairs brain. It senses danger and moves us to act before we think to survive. The problem arises when our downstairs brain wrongly interprets everyday stress as a danger. When a child has big emotions or feels threatened, they are dysregulated and in their downstairs brain, their strong emotions can get triggered to react without thinking. If ongoing, this can lead to a combination of social, emotional, behavioural, and academic challenges.

When children feel safe and relaxed, they can access their upstairs brain(pre-frontal cortex) that does the thinking, reasoning, planning and problemsolving. It allows them to become self-aware, exert self-control, pause in the moment and think before acting.

A mature upstairs brain is under construction till around 25 years of age i.e. growing all the way into young adulthood. This means that younger children have more difficulty than older children with self-regulation (coping and adapting to change). They get triggered easily and may look like they are throwing a tantrum but they actually experience a meltdown. Frequent or intense challenging behaviour is often a sign that children do not have the skills they need to calm themselves (regulate) when they feel overwhelmed. 

Typically developing children find it easier to cope or self-regulate while neurodiverse children like autistic and ADHDers might find it more difficult to self-regulate. For example, development of the prefrontal cortex part of the brain in children with ADHD develops more slowly - as much as 30% or more - than in children without ADHD. This means that a 10-year-old child with ADHD may have the self-regulation skills like a typically developing (neurotypical) 7 year old.

Research shows that when children learn and practice self-regulation skills, they are forming pathways in their brains that increase their ability to manage stress in the future. Think of regulation as eating. You need to refill the stomach at regular intervals throughout the day to stay energized and function smoothly. Much like eating, self-regulation needs to be regularly maintained. A child already at the edge of dysregulation cannot cope with new emotions or situations that may come uninvited.

Children need to feel good and energized to cope when feeling overwhelmed. It is important to increase enjoyable activities for children where they can experience joy, success, and pride. These positive experiences will maintain their regulation tank, so they have the energy they need to get through the day. Children’s energy reserves will change throughout the day depending on the enjoyable activities (that refuel their tank) and stressors (that drain their tank) they experience. We want to ensure that the demands we place on children (e.g., academics, chores, activities) are never greater than their internal resources to cope.

What is the best way to manage an episode of meltdown/overwhelm in children? Remember to always identify the real cause/trigger of the overwhelming. Then, use the power of you. Children need their parents or caregivers to co-regulate with them, not escalate further. Calm yourself down and the child will mirror your emotions. It is impossible to reason with someone whose downstairs brain has temporarily taken over their ability to access their upstairs brain. Listening to your child, validating their feelings, making them feel safe, offering gentle touch or deep hugs and meeting them where they are allows them the much needed space to regulate.

Always remember, punishment in any sugarcoated form will not teach them the skills they need to stay calm, cope, and adapt. Instead, punishment will likely frustrate children more, lead to feelings of shame and failure, increase challenging behaviour and mess up relationships and trust.

Self-regulation is a skill that needs to be supported in children because it is key to their overall success and happiness. Children who can cope with stress, anger, disappointment, and frustration are more able to do well in school, with friends, and at home. Like any other skill, it takes practice but guiding them with loving support will get them there. 

By Ganga Gurung, a Pediatric Occupational Therapist with 5 years of clinical experience, is the co-founder of Bloom Park Clinic and Bloom Park Store Pvt Ltd., Nepal. She is also the Project Lead and member of International Chapter of All India Occupational Therapists Association (ICAIOTA) and Secretary of Association of Nepal Occupational Therapists(ANOT). She has worked as a freelance consultant/expert for rehabilitation activities by the LCDMS, EDCD-Ministry of Health and Population, WHO-Nepal and Handicap International-Nepal.